4am

Samuel woke up with a start at 4am crying about...something.

Something about picking up fluff?  About the sofa?  About changing his diaper?  I don't know.  What I do know is that he wanted out of bed, and he wanted me to go with him, and he wanted to sit in the livingroom and nurse.

And because he's sick and sounds just awful, I did.  But first I gave him a tsp of Tylenol.  And I sat there, resentful and seething, nursing him wrapped in a blanket my mother crocheted years ago, and my thoughts went something like this, but less PG:

Stupid beeping cold.  Of all the beeping times to get a cold.  And we're so all going to get sick.  And that cat is making a noise behind my head that sounds like he's rattling a metal toy?  What the beep is that noise?  If he does it again I'm going to yell.  In fact, I should yell anyway, who cares that David is asleep.  He should be up, he should be helping.  I have three more DAYS of this?  I can't do this...

You get the picture.  We've all had that internal conversation in some form or another.  And after a while I asked Samuel if he wanted to go back to bed, and he didn't.  And I suggested maybe the 'Big Boy Bed' aka his bed, and yes, suddenly, that was what he wanted.  Okay, off we went.  Tucked in, a bit more nursing, and as I sat there with him I decided to pray.

I wish I prayed something glorious and amazing, but I prayed a grouchy pregnant mother's 4am prayer instead.  A 'please don't let me kill that cat tonight.  Please let me be okay with all of this nursing.' sort of prayer.  Help, Lord, I am so tired, I am so sick of this cold, I am so sick of work and 4am and this pregnancy and being annoyed all the time and miserly little prayers squeezed in around the rest of my life.  I'm so sick of acid reflux and planning anything and stupid lists and funny noises and my blankets getting tangled and a million things. 

And what do you know? He answered it.  Samuel is still awake, and maybe that bottle of peach juice isn't going to hold him much longer, and maybe the cats are going to tread a fine line tonight, and maybe this amount of sleep is the amount I'm destined for until tonight, but it'll be okay.  It'll be okay.