The Day Off

For the past several weeks I have been 'on the edge' of going into labour - and I think it might be one of the most emotionally exhausting experiences you can put yourself through.

Imagine, for a moment, a huge life-changing, irreversible event with an uncertain outcome that depends on factors largely outside of your control, and that may or may not happen at any point during the day or night, requires medical facilities distantly located from your present location and has the power to greatly damage your body (but might not).  Now assume that the only control element you have over this event is a list of 'possible triggers' and another list of 'possible dissauders' that may allow you to exert a modicum of will over the event; maybe stopping it or slowing it down, and maybe speeding it up or kick-starting it - but the lists are vague, and mostly unscientific, and have their own inherant problems.  You have one other tool, as well, and that is a somewhat agreed-upon societal belief that the event will be immediately preceeded by several smaller 'mini-events', which theoretically will allow you to, if not control the situation, at least recognize it.

That's waiting for childbirth.

And I've been waiting for weeks, mostly because I've noticed two things.  The first is that at the end of my pregnancies I have lost the ability to recognize labour signs.  Or maybe it would be more accurate to say that almost all signs of immediately impending labour are with me with increasing regularity.  I'll get contractions, for example, and they will get closer together, and more intense, and longer.  They'll last for hours, days even, and then they'll stop.  Or I will have an undeniable urge to clean, and as I'm cleaning I'm interspersing it with desperate bathroom runs and enough cramping and back pain to down a horse, and then...nothing.

None of the pre-labour signs seem to apply to me with any certainty at all.

The second thing I've noticed is that none of the triggers work.  Those things that are supposed to help start labour don't seem to work at all, and in some cases are slowing down any progress I am making.  I have walked until my hips were too sore to take another step, eaten food where the only outcome was to make me sick, induced vomiting and other unpleasant things, nursed until I was blue in the face, sat on bouncy balls, rocked on my hands and knees, watched tv while standing on my head, forced my husband to learn how to use a Rebozo, drank hippy tea that claimed to 'tone my uterus', taken up dancing, rubbed and pressed on accupressure points until my heels were raw and people started to look wary when I asked for a backrub, and yelled at my abdomen while simultaneously attempting to 'remain calm and relaxed'.

None of these things have worked.  This led me to believe that maybe a vague 'something' might be wrong.  I verified my pregnancy dates, had an ultrasound, checked my bloodwork and made sure the baby was as optimally positioned as I could manage.  All was good...she just, well, wasn't coming.  She wasn't coming.  Then I wondered if I was being impatient; maybe she needed 'more time to bake'...and that amount has now hit 8 days with no signs of impending labour on the horizon.  Or maybe every sign of impending labour on the horizon, depending on how you look at it.

And so, today, I'm taking a break.  I'm going to do nothing to start or help labour along.  I'm going to sit on my bum, I'm going to eat and drink whatever I please.  I'm going to take an Advil and relax my contractions away in a hot bath whether it stops them or not.  I'm going to knit, and spend some time with my son and ignore the nagging feelings that I should be doing something.  I'm going to give Samuel a cup instead of encouraging him to nurse, and we're not going to discuss 'Baby' at all.  In fact, I think we might go to playgroup this morning, and I might have a giant coffee and a croissant.

Because sitting on the edge is exhausting.  Sometimes it's truly better to hop off on one side, regardless of the side, and just BE for a little bit.