Changes

The debate continues, mostly internalised but still very much present, on the topic of change.  Samuel will be 20 months old in a week, and the new baby is arriving in 5 months, give or take!  All of this means, to me, that some things are gently, gently changing around here. 

We're slowly, ever so slowly, weaning.  This is such a very big step for me because even a few months ago the thought of weaning sent me into a panic.  I have treasured my time with Samuel, my first little nursling, and it formed a central core to our mother/child relationship.  I mean, how many hobbies can you share with a one year old?  But nursing, nursing gave us common ground and a shared purpose, and more importantly, it gave me the sense of being a provider to my son's needs when I felt less and less like the 'perfect mother'.  This was something I could do, and do well; he was hungry and I could feed him, it was a perfect combination of strengths and talents.  Last month we, Samuel and I, together decided that weaning was starting for both of us.  I felt myself more sore after nursing, sometimes 'antsy' and uncomfortable, sometimes even, heaven forbid, snappish at his poking or digging little nails.  And he, possibly in response to my emotions or urged on by his own inner promptings, started to say 'no' to my offers of nursing, choosing a cup of water or a special toy as a comfort instead.  I was sad, and then suddenly, I was okay with it.  He and I, we were making the decision together, and ultimately that was what I had always wanted.  We still nurse, sometimes quite frequently, but more and more that part of us is separating and I am discovering, to my joy and surprise, that there isn't a gaping hole where my beautiful son's downy head used to rest, but a whole new relationship that keeps us close and loving each other.

That's not all, though, for my very big boy of almost two!  He spent some time last week with Daddy setting up his toddler bed, proudly turning the screwdriver while David held the screws in place and helping Mama to find the yellow wool blankets in the steamer trunk that will fit his bed.  I even dug out my old baby quilt and snuggled it into the mattress, old faithful is back in service again!  He was thrilled with it, and even more thrilled that it meant he got to sleep in a bed beside Mama and Daddy's bed, have his very own warm baseboard heater beside the headboard, and explore the glorious possibilities of play that come with convincing a cat to sleep on your feet, something he never had in the crib.  Plus, in the mornings he can crawl right over Daddy, pausing to pat him affectionately on the head, and slip under the blankets beside me to nurse and sometimes drift off again.  In a few months we'll start to think about getting a toddler safety railing in place and move him into his room, taking down the maple crib for good (or for a while, till the baby is out of the bassinette) and letting him enjoy the freedom of creeping around a room without being walled into your sleeping place!  I foresee many closed doors.

Changes, not all that bad, and a good season, all in all, for a family to use to grow closer.