Church

It's Sunday and I'm not going to church today, which is probably not a big deal for a lot of families, but I recently passed up a job because I would have to work on Sunday and not go to church, so you can see it's a big deal for me. My husband is working, it's chilly outside, the baby and I both need a bath before we go anywhere, and I have to clean the tub before we can have a bath, and I have to get him down for his nap before I can clean the tub, so you can see the chain reaction here. We could all just grit our teeth, think of the early Christians and go in sweatpants with dirty hair to the little church down the street, but to be honest, I'm exhausted.

But apparently not so exhausted that I can't write about how exhausted I am, so the guilt creeps in a bit.

I make a point to get to church every week for my son's sake. I know he is only four months old, but I want there to never be a gap in his early memories separating 'when we didn't go to church' and 'when we started going to church'. As this becomes more important to me, so does the idea of his 'church experience'.

Adults need church to give them an opportunity for tithing, fellowship, worship in song, hearing the word, Eucharist (the breaking of bread in communion) and preaching. I'm struggling a bit with understanding what exactly children need church for and how a church can best fill those needs and I've come to the conclusion that modern churches have three options for children.

Option 1 - You come to church with your family but are then segregated from the congregation into a child-friendly Sunday school. This is a popular one for a lot of really big churches, it seems. The Sunday school (or schools if they are further divided by age or gender) sometimes follow the same service outline as the main church, for example if the readings were of the Sermon on the Mount, perhaps the children would colour pictures of or do a skit on the same theme. In some cases the children are completely removed from the adults for the whole service length, but in a lot of churches I've been in there is a period when the children are allowed back into the service to take communion, or to listen to a pared down version of the sermon.

Option 2 - You come to church with your family and stay with them because the service is a 'family service'. Churches that attempt this have a variety of techniques that they use to keep the children happy throughout the service, but still, concessions are made on the part of the adults. The service will probably be shorter, there will be a lot of music and movement, most likely a worship band instead of a choir, on in addition to. The church may show a video or a skit, or have worship dancers. Etc. Etc. The idea is, make this fun and exciting for the kids. The family services I've been to have not, for the most part, lived up to this ideal, mostly because that kind of production standard is just that, a production. It requires a lot of manpower, money and support from the congregation.

Option 3 -You come to church with your family and stay with them because the church is child-friendly. At it's most basic this means a 'cry-room', or a place to go with your child when they begin to be disruptive, which is usually a given when the service has not been modified to children's tastes. There may be parking spots for expectant mothers, a nursery (unstaffed or staffed) to bring your young ones, a place to nurse, maybe a fridge to keep bottles. Some churches might have a small children's library or toy box at the back of the church for desperate parents, or even colouring supplies. For anything more elaborate you would bring your own from home. The service is an adult service, essentially, with some concessions made for children on occasion (such as a small children's 'talk' or maybe a child-friendly song with actions).

Now, obviously I think that separation anxiety aside, the all-Sunday school option is probably what the child would choose. Lots of crafts, activities, etc., all at their level of understanding. I see a couple of benefits from this kind of church. For one, children are less likely to not want to go because this is fun and exciting. Parents are free to enjoy an adult service without having to be checking that Jimmy isn't eating crayons or taking his pants off. And finally, the message is offered in a way that might actually stick. A child could hear a sermon on forgiveness and it may wash over them, but a puppet show? That could work. On the other hand, when do you transition a child into the 'main event'? Sunday school is followed by youth group, and eventually you have a seventeen-year old on your hands who has never learned the skills of being with adults in church.

The family service is great in theory, but bad in practice. Young children don't want to sit in the pews for a service any longer than they have to, and older children would rather be with their friends. Adults have to listen to simplified messages and the tough stuff, like adultery for example, may not be preached on because of a younger crowd. The service may alienate those who are used to a more subdued or traditional service, the drum sets, rock/pop vocals, lights and so forth take some getting used to. The first time I saw worship dancing I was embarassed for the dancer.

The child-friendly church is middle ground, but is it the best option? Parents are still obligated to keep their children occupied for a whole service, but this time all they get is some crayons or a magazine with the puzzles already done with which to do it. You end up bringing bags of crackers, toys and games for the children to play with, and this sort of service naturally has a lot of noise. There will be running in the aisles for all but the best-trained of familes. Someone will start crying and as soon as a hymn starts there will be a mini-exodus of mothers with diaper bags and whining toddlers heading for the hallway. I went to one of these churches when I was unmarried and childless and it was obviously the 'family church' in the neighbourhood because everyone was there with their kids. The minister assured the congregation each service that they 'loved' children and were happy to have them in the service. This meant the service was LOUD and filled with screeching and excitement and plastic toys. I felt so out of place that I left and never returned.

Now taking this all into consideration I'm going to add a caveat. Whether or not the service is to my taste is not really the point. I remember coming across some information some time ago that claimed that when you are a parent your choice of church must be for your children, because your faith can be nurtured in other ways. I agree, and that brings me to the baby. Right now what he needs in a church is a relaxed and private place I can nurse him, music and interaction with other people. As he gets older he's going to need more, and I'm going to need to think harder about what I want church to fill in his life. Am I expecting this to be a place where he makes Christian friends? If so, then a service without Sunday school isn't a good option. If I intend to offer him other opportunities to make friends then the service style may not be as much of an issue.

It all makes you think about 'bringing your child up in the Lord' doesn't it?